As per an online friend's suggestion, we began to look for a Family Integrated Church, and we found one, not too far away from us. I was hurt from being kicked out of our last church, so I figured I'd put all the cards out on the table, before becoming attached to another church. I emailed who seemed to be the main elder (they had preaching elders). I laid out a list of doctrinal differences I'd probably have with their church. They were a Southern Baptist Family Integrated church, so I knew they'd have a lot of the Baptist doctrines. I also let him know that I am dresses only, homeschool, and cover my head.
He replied back that just as long as I wasn't going to cause trouble at church, or argue with people, I was welcome. He said that I would not be the only dresses only, head covering woman, as that were were several there already, and that almost every family there homeschools. YES!
The kids and I visited the first time without my husband, because he was called into work. As I pulled the large vehicle I was driving into the parking lot, I looked at the other cars pulling in. Most of them were large like mine, and most of the families had four or more kids, like us. WoW!
I really enjoyed the church services, and some of the ladies there came up and spoke to me. We spoke of kombucha scobies, various types of kefir and starters, homemade sourdough bread, etc. These are things that the ladies at the other churches usually didn't know about. In fact, many ladies at the other churches didn't even cook at all. I felt like I finally found my church home.
There were no problems with our not celebrating Christmas, etc. In fact, about 1/3 or more of the church attendance didn't, either. There were no big Christmas cantatas pushed, no advent, no caroling, no baloney. It was NICE for a change. It was a breath of fresh air. It was a church we could attend year round, and not have to take December away.
However, I have Aspergers. If you don't know what that is, it is a form of high functioning autism. This means that I can come across as "off" in social situations, and this was a VERY social church. None of the preaching elders ever introduced themselves to my children and I, nor did they the next week when my husband attended for the first time. Nor did they ever speak to us in person, until over a year after we'd been attending...
After going for over a year, the elders decided to do Advent for the first time at that church. There were a lot of upset people in church, but I didn't see anyone addressing that issue with any of the preaching elders. I felt weird going up to them, because none of them ever spoke to any of us, so I decided to email the elder that I originally emailed, about the issue.
To my surprise, he emailed back that my family and all the preaching elders should meet at a restaurant and have a meeting. FABULOUS! This was the first and only time the elders ever spoke to us in person. They barraged us with Scriptures that were WRONG. I mean, as in if they would just read two verses further, they'd see they were butchering the passage. Every time I tried to interject, and say anything, I was shushed, and interrupted. My husband was finding this strange, and was not sure what to do. Further, he saw this as more of something that was supposed to be them and I discussing, since I was the one who brought it up. He wasn't prepared to discuss it much. I thought the same thing. THEN, they brought out Ephesians 4:32, and said that I was an unkind person, and that that's the real issue.
WHAT?!!!! That blew both my husband and I away. Why in the world would they think that, when this is the first time they've ever spoken to us, and I got along just fine with the congregants. Our family even got together with some of the other families outside of church, for fun and fellowship. There's never been any problems with even one person.
I promptly emailed them my response to everything they said, as soon as I got home, because I literally was not allowed to speak, and my husband's jaw was pretty much on the ground in shock the whole time. Right after the meeting, they immediately left, and I started crying. Now, if you know me, then you've probably never seen me cry. I hate crying. I don't like it getting my face wet, I don't like it clogging my nose, and I'm not much for "negative" emotional display. But my heart was shattered. How in the world could they think I'm mean? I am never intentionally mean to anyone. I tried it twice in my childhood, and hated it. I picked on a kid once, who always smelled like pee, and I tried picking on a girl once, in girl scout camp. I learned early on that I hated being mean to people, and decided I would never do it again, and I never have.
The rest of the conversations with the elders were 100% via email. They avoided us in church. In the emails, they told me that I wasn't making proper eye contact, wasn't socializing properly with the women, spoke too much with the men, was too harsh, etc. I tried to explain to them that I have Aspergers, and am trying my best, and they passed that off as some excuse. I then asked if one of them could then please help me, by sitting with me at church, being at my side during fellowship meals, etc, and explain things to me, answer my questions, tell me what I'm doing wrong, what I'm doing right, and why, and better explain to me how they think I'm socializing wrong, and how they think I should do it right. None of the elders wanted to do that.
Eventually, they emailed me, and said that until I apologize, I'm never to return to that church, or email any of them again, and if I show up, they'll call the police. They said the only email or communication they'd accept from me was an apology.
What did I do wrong??? I refuse to in-authentically apologize. If I've done wrong, and I know I've done wrong, I apologize. But if I don't know of any wrong doing, then I can't apologize, because I don't even know what in the world is going on, and I won't do it, just to do it. That's lying.
A few weeks later, some of the men from the church were told by the elders to set up a meeting with my husband. I was 100% against this, because I was not invited, and my husband was specifically told that I could not come. I didn't want my husband to go, because I wasn't invited, and I'm the one they had the problem with, not him. He really wanted to know what they had to say, so he went. I sat out in the parking lot.
Now I know why I was always hushed by the elders, and why I was not allowed to attend that meeting. They were ultra-patriarchal. I mean to the point of a cult and legalism. I'm a woman, so under their point of view, I should have never emailed the eldership, nor had an opinion of my own, and if I did, I was supposed to keep it to myself. They told my husband that he needed to get his wife in order.
This is NOT in the Bible! In fact, 1 Peter 3:7 says that if husbands treat their wives like that, their prayers will be hindered!
They ended the meeting by asking him what he'd require for reconciliation. He said he'd have to think about it, and would email them his response.
We realized that they were asking the wrong person. They should have asked ME, what I required for reconciliation. I'm the one the elders had the issue with, and I'm the one who was kicked out of church, not my husband.
My husband emailed them, stating that in order to reconcile, the first step is to ask ME what it would take, since I'm the one they had the problem with. They never responded, or contacted us again.
I kept reading over all the emails that had passed between the elders and I. Emails that I usually read to my husband before I sent, however he didn't require that, because he trusts me, as a sister in Christ. I could not find any instance where I was mean, and I was certainly never mean in person to anyone there, that I honestly have any inkling of.
Then, the Lord, clear as day, told me "Candy, you did nothing wrong." What a release of burden. What a literal weight lifted from my chest. I didn't do anything wrong. God Himself told me so. Praise God, because I needed that clarification. I was beating myself up, trying to figure this whole thing out.
The Lord revealed to me that that was a dying church, and that the eldership were driving multiple people out, not just me. The Lord gave me a Scripture to share with the eldership, and I shared it in my goodbye email to them. That scripture is the following:
"For the time is come that judgment must begin at the house of God: and if it first begin at us, what shall the end be of them that obey not the gospel of God?" -1 Peter 4:17
I told them that their church was going to go under, unless they repented, and started truly seeking the Lord's will again. They didn't heed the warning, and that church is gone, now.
That was the second church I've been kicked out of. I was kicked out of the first, because I believe in mid-trib rapture and was writing about that on my blog. As far as I can tell, I was kicked out of the second church, because I'm on the Autism spectrum.
The next installment in this series should be up, tomorrow.